Unfolding the Self

I started my year long adventure of yoga teacher training the other weekend. I fell in love with the physical practice of yoga at the YMCA a few years ago. When my hunger grew larger than what the YMCA had to offer I was lucky to find a great studio in my neighborhood offering a wide variety of classes and quality teachers. After a year of attending classes with one teacher I decided I was ready to absorb the teacher training.

I always knew I had poor posture and it was one of the reasons I was so interested in yoga. I had these visions of myself walking around at 80 slumped over caving in on myself and not able to fully lift my head. I didn't like that picture of myself at 80 and I started creating a new vision of myself at that age. My vision included great posture and a smiling generous heart. So this teacher and her philosophy were/are a great fit for my future self. The practice with my particular teacher is very heart centered and deeply alignment based. The physical practice revolves around pulling into your midline strength so you can open your chest and  breathe. Good posture also allows good breathing.

So, what in the world does all of THIS have to do with homeschooling you may ask???? Well, I have found the experience of homeschooling very mentally exhausting. I have so many questions and theories and fears around education. How will I know if I am doing it right? How do I ensure I am giving my kids the best education? The education they deserve? The education they are capable of? Am I giving them challenge? Am I giving them too much? Should this be 'fun'? Do I need to be 'fun'? Should we 'learn' something everyday? How much evidence do we need to provide that we are 'learning' and what evidence is truly reflective of our process?

It is a nightmare inducing thought thread that had me tied up in knots, literally. On top of all the emotional scars and baggage from my past here I am trying to figure out my present and focus on the future all at the same time. Yikes. Recipe for disaster is what that looks like.  So the practice of yoga is all about BE HERE NOW.  It took a year of breathing and consciously letting go of the past and the  future to finally be able to take a look at what is in front of me RIGHT NOW.  I am starting to feel the weight lifting off my back. I am starting to feel my shoulders turn up and my heart opening. I am starting to feel the possibility of engaging in my present moment without holding so tightly to the past and being so fearful of the future. It feels amazing!

I can't say that I have homeschooling figured out. What I have learned is like all of life it is a process. You have to start somewhere and you have to realize that where you start may look nothing like where you will end up. I have learned to forgive myself for being such a bad teacher and to recognize I am a great parent. I have learned that by letting go of my fears I am starting to feel my heart again and I can feel the depth which I am engaging with my kids. I can feel that this is just the beginning and that our time together will deepen and expand. I have realized by being my true self with my kids I am giving them the greatest gift they will know and it feels awesome.

Balance

The hardest poses for me to do in yoga are those requiring a lot of balance. I have strength and my flexibility is pretty good but balance, not so much. It is so interesting how the struggles we have with our bodies often mimic the struggles we have with our mind/self.  There are so many directions to go at one time, so many things to be done, to do, to explore how do I know what to do next?! I feel pulled one way then I change my mind and go another. Unbalance.

If you have not tried yoga before I think you will be amazed at trying this simple exercise. Stand up with your hands at your sides take a strong stance but soft and close your eyes. If you can, great, next just take a moment to feel your motion your gentle sway. The next challenge is to try and do it on your toes, then standing with one leg lifted.  For me these exercises take a lot of focus. The key to success in these posses is to let go and center in on the core of your being. Balance does take flexibility and strength, but it must be used gently to balance your core. Then you will feel the solid sense of all three powers coming together and you will be like the trees who can stand tall and balanced on this earth,  whose roots are firmly planted in the earth, whose branches reach for the sky, and are able to sway with the breeze while remaining strong and rooted in place. I love trees.

Of course I find all of this a metaphor for my journey in home schooling. I feel like I have been in a storm and my roots were not quite deep enough. Luckily there have been enough calm periods between the storms to give my roots a chance to deepen and hold me standing strong. I have not toppled. I am becoming more balanced and my roots are getting deeper. I can see how this journey can work without seeing every stop along the way. I am trusting my roots, my strength and my core to provide the balance my kids need in their education.

Trying too hard

Yesterday at my son's eye therapy appointment I had a discussion with the therapist about my son not wanting to wear his glasses. She explained to me that the glasses are meant to help him relax some of his eye muscles. When he is reading he is relying on a set of strong muscles he already has developed to do all of the reading work. The glasses give those overworked muscles a break. The trick is it takes time to get the eyes to stop working so hard and relax so the glasses can do the work. Wow.

I walked away on the verge of tears, as usual being highly emotional, and realized that could have been a description of my parenting. I feel so bound up and tight in my approach to teaching these amazing kids. I feel like I am working hard, maybe too hard. Everyday I am trying to find a way to 'teach' them. What have we accomplished today? What are we learning with this activity? How can I document this or blog about it in a way that will help me feel successful. My mental, emotional, and spiritual muscles are working so hard to be 'successful' that I can't seem to relax enough to let the other parts of me (creative, easy going, light hearted, humorist) take over and just enjoy the journey.

Recently I discovered the joy of yoga. I am pursuing it with passion. I love it. I think the parallel of trying to relax my muscles and trying to relax my mind are exactly what I need. It helps me consider the possibility of letting go, of balance, of play, of relaxing into the moment and then letting it go.
This journey I am on as a homeschool mom has opened so many places inside of me. I realize I have some trauma from my own schooling and childhood that I am processing. It is challenging to separate my past with our present. Yoga is helping me open my heart and begin to see the journey in front of me not the path behind me. I am starting to trust myself. I am beginning to heal the wounds and let myself believe in all the good that can come.

Until then I will be sharing our stories of struggle and uncertainty. Although I feel hopeful I don't feel anywhere near successful. I am so grateful for the wonderful homeschool and gifted communities for the support and stories of families on similar journeys. I know I am not alone and I know in time we will find our rhythm. If you are out there feeling the struggle and slight hopelessness I hope you will find some comfort knowing you are not alone. I do believe this is only going to get better!!

Blessings,
Shauna

An 'ah ha' Moment

We have been engaged in this homeschooling adventure for about a year now. Having a MS in Education makes the homeschooling journey an exciting opportunity to explore my educational philosophy. I spend a lot of time thinking about what kind of education I want for our children and why. We decided to commit to three years of homeschooling as our introductory phase. It seemed to me it would be hard to get a real feeling for what homeschooling can be in one year. That has proved to be the case. At the two year mark I feel we are just getting started.

I spent the first year following a pretty strict and concise curriculum for my 1st grade boy. It involved a lot of me doing what teachers do, giving him things to learn. He was a good student and we made it through the year, but we were both relieved to make it to summer. Starting 2nd grade I had a lot of anxiety planning the curriculum. I knew another year of the same curriculum was going to bring us to tears. I made a few changes but stuck with a pretty traditional classic curriculum. We went slower but during the first month we were already having multiple outbursts and lots of tears. I had always felt there was some part of my son I didn't quite understand and this past month made it clear I needed help if we were to continue homeschooling.

After much discussion we decided to have our son tested. He was doing great in many areas but there were some issues with emotional outbursts, sensitivities, and writing that just didn't make sense. After a lot of research I started to suspect he might be both gifted and a stealth dyslexic. The testing was to confirm those suspicions and it did. We learned we have a highly gifted boy with both CAPD *central auditory processing disorder* and several markers of dyslexia.  This was a big Ahhh Haaaa moment for me. There were so many questions answered with these testing results.

From the outside Leo had 20/20 vision and his hearing tests reveal he has perfect hearing. It is the underlying developmental tests that uncovered the processing issues he was having in both of those areas. In the world of the gifted he is labeled 2e *twice exceptional*. As a child in the public school system it is quite likely he would never have been identified with any of these very substantial learning differences. As his mother I knew we were missing something and I trusted my gut. I only wonder how many other kids out there are going left misunderstood and lacking the educational experience and support they deserve.

So here we are mid year second grade and I realize that the curriculum I have been providing is just a bit off the mark. It makes sense that he would not be engaged or interested in the level of work I am providing for him and also why some of the tasks that seem like they should be so easy are really actually very challenging for him. It also answered the questions about why he hates to join new groups (hearing in groups is very challenging) and also why he hates phonics and writing anything.
The testing process has totally reshaped my preconceived approach for educating my children. With a new lens I am reshaping my educational philosophy to fit my children. I only wish we could do the same for every child in the education system.

Perspective

I grew up in the midwest surrounded by wide open spaces and very few people. I now live in Silicon Valley and I am surrounded by people and very little wide open space. I love where I live. It is full of amazing people, opportunities, energy, history, science, nature... It truly is an amazing place to live. But, there is a large part of my heart that longs for the open spaces and for my 'home'.

It was on this emotional note last year that I found myself cashing out an IRA so I could buy land back home. Every year around January I start looking and fantasizing about going home. Last year I decided to pull the trigger. I noticed a small parcel of land that was attached to a community that I love. I decided I had to have it. I grew up hearing stories of my dad saying..."I could have bought that land, If I had only known how much it would worth today!!"  So against all sound logic and financial advice I chose to take out a large portion of my IRA and buy that piece of land. I assured my husband that I had taken out enough to cover the fee and extra taxes.

Fast forward to yesterday and me doing our taxes for 2014. Well, it turns out that my estimation of how much that little piece of land costs has gone up considerably. Apparently when you decide to go against the advice of the people who are invested in you keeping your money in their system you will need to pay dearly for it. I digress. When my husband came home yesterday he found me in tears having realize we are not going to get the tax refund I thought we were going to get (which we really need at this point) we are also going to owe money (and not just a little).  I felt like such an idiot and I felt guilty and scared and lightheaded...

Luckily for me I married an amazing man. He held me in his arms and reassured me that it would all be ok and we would figure it out. Then he pulled a letter out of his pocket that he had printed from work. One of his workmates had sent a letter thanking his coworkers for all of their support during the previous 7 months. You see his wife had a stroke and was left incapacitated. He had to make some really tough decisions about her life without the support and consultation of his best friend, his wife. He had to support her and his young children while keeping up with the daily annoyances of life like paying bills, cleaning, grocery shopping, and homework. His wife cannot speak or move. He had to feed her, clean her, and make all the decisions surrounding her care. During this time his power got shut off, his car got run into, and his bank account was hacked. Life gave him a full court press.

Of course reading this letter made the tear fall even harder, but it did make me realize the smallness of my perceived 'problem'. It didn't take away my shame and embarrassment or frustration for my own mistakes, but it sure did help put them in perspective. Money problems are in most cases quite solvable. There are solutions and they may seem insurmountable, but really nothing compared to not being able to move.

Today my money problems seem pretty small. I still cringe thinking about it, but at the same time I have my piece of land at home and I do love it. I live in an amazing place and I can go out and enjoy it anytime I want. I realize my opportunity to live my life today and I promise myself I will not get bogged down in self pity, but look up and shine forth with perspective.

I hope you have a good day filled with perspective.
Shauna

The Challenge of Presence

*This was a post I started in September and didn't finish until today.*
Parenting is tough. For those of you who are parents this is an obvious statement, but to those who are not parents I do not think there is any way to convey the depth of this statement. I did not come to be a parent with my eyes closed to this reality. I was a nanny for several years before becoming a parent and I had a pretty good idea that parenting meant giving up a rather large portion of your life and freedom. It also appeared to me that to do the very best for your children you were going to need to do a bit more than provide a home, healthy eating choices, and a good school. Kids require your presence, not just your physical presence, but the kind of presence we seek to understand in going to a yoga class. My favorite most intense meditation practice is being fully present as a parent.

But, as many of you know the challenge of being present is the greatest challenge many of us face. And this is not limited to parents. It is our challenge as human beings with incredible minds capable of unfathomable thought, to silence the what if's and should I's and I need to's and just be. It is our challenge to stop looking so far out and ahead, to stop and look in and just observe the light shining around us and through us all the time, even when our eyes are closed in the dark.  Our challenge is to stop and be in awe of the expanding universe inside our being. To see ourselves with as much reverence as we see the universe. To see how tiny and at the same time how enormous we are. To be fully present in the moment, in one moment of an infinity of moments.

Today I hope you give your self the gift of a moment of presence. I hope you will stop and close your eyes and breathe in the life surrounding you and be in awe and wonder of your place in this world. I hope you will see the brilliance of your moment in the sun. And I hope the same for me.

The Dark Side

The dark time of year. My thought go with the season.  The longer I live the more I am able to see the brilliance of the Star Wars saga. As my husband pointed out it is a story ripped from the global pages of antiquity, retold for our times, nevertheless I choose to use it. This time of year is my journey to the dark side

We all journey to find our true self and struggle to find our path and place in this world. It really isn't anything new, but it can be remarkably lonely. Being a jedi is a tough job and sometimes quite isolating. Now am I saying I am a jedi and  you are not, no. I am saying we are all jedi in our own universe searching for others like us. We are searching for others who will see our gifts and our purpose and will welcome us to the community to join the fight for good over our perceived evil.

As it goes with Luke I sometimes struggle to find what it is I am fighting against. What is the dark side and is it really as dark as I think? I find myself saying no, the dark side is just another part of ourself and we get to choose how much we let it become a part of our present self. I think often people look for an external fight to focus their energy upon instead of the dark matter inside themselves. I think for many it is less scary to take on the perceived evils of the world verses facing the dark side of themselves.  I know that my dark side is pretty scary, much more so than global warming.

I am sure I am not alone in this primal fear of the dark, cold, barren time of year. I feel it is a fear passed down though millennia. A justified fear of surviving the hardest time of year even when food is plentiful, my heater works, and there is a first rate hospital 5 minutes drive from my front door.
But the animal brain is strong and seems to easily take over especially when you are tired, stressed, and a bit distracted from your spiritual core. As we know, even the strongest purest of the jedi will be tested by their dark side. It takes a lot of focus to retain your calm center, to remain a true jedi in your time of fear and uncertainty.

It is this jedi mind that I seek during this dark time and I know I am not alone. Thousands of spiritual centers across our world find a spike in membership during the dark time of year. It is to our spiritual center we turn when our animal brain is truly scared and seeking a place from which to draw strength and light. It is not always easy to find that community of jedi with which you feel comfortable and embraces you for who you are and aligns with your central being. And for me it is this lack of fellow jedi that I am morning. I have not found my community. I have friends. I have support. I have love. But, I lack a sense of community of surrounding myself with a council of familiar minds.

So, like Luke I will leave my warm safe cave and face the universe knowing that the light and strength of my mentors is a part of who I am even when I am feeling dark. I will go forward and seek my fellow jedi. I will lift my head up and let the light shine from my eyes and I will put aside the dark thoughts. I will go forth with the confidence that I am not alone, ever, and there is always someone out there I can turn to who will understand my struggle and will lend and ear, a shoulder, and a hand when I fall.

I hope that if you are reading this and you find yourself fighting the 'good fight' you will know you are not alone and that their are others who feel the way you feel right now. I hope that if you are feeling alone and scared and lost that you know if you need help it is there for you, it is there inside your heart and it can be found in others outside your cave. I hope that you are able to find the light in this dark time of year. "May the force be with you."