Unfolding the Self

I started my year long adventure of yoga teacher training the other weekend. I fell in love with the physical practice of yoga at the YMCA a few years ago. When my hunger grew larger than what the YMCA had to offer I was lucky to find a great studio in my neighborhood offering a wide variety of classes and quality teachers. After a year of attending classes with one teacher I decided I was ready to absorb the teacher training.

I always knew I had poor posture and it was one of the reasons I was so interested in yoga. I had these visions of myself walking around at 80 slumped over caving in on myself and not able to fully lift my head. I didn't like that picture of myself at 80 and I started creating a new vision of myself at that age. My vision included great posture and a smiling generous heart. So this teacher and her philosophy were/are a great fit for my future self. The practice with my particular teacher is very heart centered and deeply alignment based. The physical practice revolves around pulling into your midline strength so you can open your chest and  breathe. Good posture also allows good breathing.

So, what in the world does all of THIS have to do with homeschooling you may ask???? Well, I have found the experience of homeschooling very mentally exhausting. I have so many questions and theories and fears around education. How will I know if I am doing it right? How do I ensure I am giving my kids the best education? The education they deserve? The education they are capable of? Am I giving them challenge? Am I giving them too much? Should this be 'fun'? Do I need to be 'fun'? Should we 'learn' something everyday? How much evidence do we need to provide that we are 'learning' and what evidence is truly reflective of our process?

It is a nightmare inducing thought thread that had me tied up in knots, literally. On top of all the emotional scars and baggage from my past here I am trying to figure out my present and focus on the future all at the same time. Yikes. Recipe for disaster is what that looks like.  So the practice of yoga is all about BE HERE NOW.  It took a year of breathing and consciously letting go of the past and the  future to finally be able to take a look at what is in front of me RIGHT NOW.  I am starting to feel the weight lifting off my back. I am starting to feel my shoulders turn up and my heart opening. I am starting to feel the possibility of engaging in my present moment without holding so tightly to the past and being so fearful of the future. It feels amazing!

I can't say that I have homeschooling figured out. What I have learned is like all of life it is a process. You have to start somewhere and you have to realize that where you start may look nothing like where you will end up. I have learned to forgive myself for being such a bad teacher and to recognize I am a great parent. I have learned that by letting go of my fears I am starting to feel my heart again and I can feel the depth which I am engaging with my kids. I can feel that this is just the beginning and that our time together will deepen and expand. I have realized by being my true self with my kids I am giving them the greatest gift they will know and it feels awesome.

An 'ah ha' Moment

We have been engaged in this homeschooling adventure for about a year now. Having a MS in Education makes the homeschooling journey an exciting opportunity to explore my educational philosophy. I spend a lot of time thinking about what kind of education I want for our children and why. We decided to commit to three years of homeschooling as our introductory phase. It seemed to me it would be hard to get a real feeling for what homeschooling can be in one year. That has proved to be the case. At the two year mark I feel we are just getting started.

I spent the first year following a pretty strict and concise curriculum for my 1st grade boy. It involved a lot of me doing what teachers do, giving him things to learn. He was a good student and we made it through the year, but we were both relieved to make it to summer. Starting 2nd grade I had a lot of anxiety planning the curriculum. I knew another year of the same curriculum was going to bring us to tears. I made a few changes but stuck with a pretty traditional classic curriculum. We went slower but during the first month we were already having multiple outbursts and lots of tears. I had always felt there was some part of my son I didn't quite understand and this past month made it clear I needed help if we were to continue homeschooling.

After much discussion we decided to have our son tested. He was doing great in many areas but there were some issues with emotional outbursts, sensitivities, and writing that just didn't make sense. After a lot of research I started to suspect he might be both gifted and a stealth dyslexic. The testing was to confirm those suspicions and it did. We learned we have a highly gifted boy with both CAPD *central auditory processing disorder* and several markers of dyslexia.  This was a big Ahhh Haaaa moment for me. There were so many questions answered with these testing results.

From the outside Leo had 20/20 vision and his hearing tests reveal he has perfect hearing. It is the underlying developmental tests that uncovered the processing issues he was having in both of those areas. In the world of the gifted he is labeled 2e *twice exceptional*. As a child in the public school system it is quite likely he would never have been identified with any of these very substantial learning differences. As his mother I knew we were missing something and I trusted my gut. I only wonder how many other kids out there are going left misunderstood and lacking the educational experience and support they deserve.

So here we are mid year second grade and I realize that the curriculum I have been providing is just a bit off the mark. It makes sense that he would not be engaged or interested in the level of work I am providing for him and also why some of the tasks that seem like they should be so easy are really actually very challenging for him. It also answered the questions about why he hates to join new groups (hearing in groups is very challenging) and also why he hates phonics and writing anything.
The testing process has totally reshaped my preconceived approach for educating my children. With a new lens I am reshaping my educational philosophy to fit my children. I only wish we could do the same for every child in the education system.