New Year, new opportunities to learn

So, the fall did start off with less stress than the previous year. I had a better sense of what to expect and how to ease into the process. After her summer school trial my daughter did decide to stay home for school this year. I was very happy with her decision to stay home, but there was the added challenge of creating more room for her learning process on top of meeting my sons special needs. After a month of wiggling and playing around with different timing, curriculum's and approaches we finally settled into a decent routine around mid-October.

I started with just the basics and have continued to focus on those as the main part of my 'teaching' responsibility. I have explained to the children I feel responsible for ensuring they receive a solid foundation in the basics of reading, language, mathematical (logic) thinking, and social emotional ethical spiritual learning.  This part of my job is not always 'fun'. I am not the best at coming up with games and playful approaches to learning basic math facts and spelling but they seem to learn despite my dry approach.

We did sign up for a few classes with a local homeschooling group that offers age grouped classes. My son took a lego robotics class and my daughter took and art and a science class. We were 'on campus' for lunch twice a week and we enjoyed being part of the homeschool community.  We also have become regulars at one of the local homeschool park days which provides the kids with a full day of free playground play with lots of different children. We love Wednesdays!

Overall I am feeling much more relaxed and happy. I am coming to the end of my year long yoga teacher training course and I feel the practice of yoga (meditation, breathing, chanting, study, and  asana) has really helped me find my calm center. It has given me the tools to allow me to sink into the chaos of learning how to 'school' my children. I am learning how to let go of being in control and figuring out how to go with the flow. I am learning how to work through my uncomfortable feelings with grace and ease of mind. I am carving a path to learning with my children and it feels great.

Freedom to choose

On Sunday night my daughter announced to me that she wants to go to school. She has made this statement off and on throughout the year. I have always maintained that my children should have the choice when it comes to public school. I imagine I could convince her to stay home, but I feel in the long run she would hit a point where she would resent my not giving her the choice. She is certainly different from her brother. She is much more socially extraverted and really feeds off of being around a crowd of people. She loved her 3 year old preschool class and has a positive association with school. So, I signed her up for the academic 1st grade prep summer school.

As I clicked the payment button my heart caught in my throat. How was I feeling? I couldn't put my finger on any one emotion. I was a tornado of emotions. My goal is for my kids to love  learning and to find their interest naturally by exploring and asking questions. How can I deny this reasonable request to try out a different way of going to school? Yet I fear her wanting to be there so badly she will sacrifice parts of herself to 'fit in'. I fear she is bright enough to know how to do enough to get by and desires attention enough to spend more energy on getting people to like her than to using her brain. I fear her emphasis on 'social learning', and it makes my heart race and ache.

I have talked to so many bright women who feel they stopped using their brains at a pretty early age. That is not to say their brains don't work, they just stopped getting exercise. The work presented was moderately challenging, but didn't really require full attention. But, the social scene that requires full presence. It is fun and exciting. It is a game and trying to figure out all the rules and how to play by them and break them successfully is fascinating. I was very good at that game, but I really regret that I stopped using my brain. I fear watching my daughter make my mistakes.

But, I guess that is what parenting is all about. I will have the opportunity to help her. I can provide some observations, support, and encouragement to stay true to herself. I can find ways to challenge her to really think. I can help her remember the person she is today and to know that person, that true self, is enough. She is bright, and funny, and sensitive, and caring and those qualities will remain no matter where she goes to school. I have to trust her and I have to trust myself.

Intrinsic motivation

One of my major premises for homeschooling is to instill a love of learning. The highest hope is to learn for the sake of learning, because intrinsic learning is fascinating and blissful. Now, not all of life will be about following your bliss. But, you should be given the time and space to follow your bliss because that is your path that is where your deepest learning will happen. How do you learn to follow your bliss if you are following a carrot instead? I think the idea of rewards to lead you in a direction of uninterested learning is confusing. Learning multiplication before it has any inherent use or interest is a waste of time and energy. Why worry so much about manipulating children with rewards to get them to do intellectual work of which they have no interest. Most likely they will not use it, not know how to apply it, or just forget it.

Learning to follow intrinsic motivation or bliss is a powerful teacher. We are doing our kids a great disservice these days to put so much responsibility for 'remembering' and 'executive functioning' at such young ages. Their minds are wondering and wondering about so much. They are taking in the world in great gulps and then little sips. They are not little adults, they are children and they need to develop their minds and learn from doing and experiencing consequences. Their minds should be given permission to roam and explore and make mistakes. They should have room to be irresponsible and make mistakes while we are watching so they can get feedback and learn from mistakes. They should be given encouragement when they fail and role modeling to learn the skills of goal setting and caring for one self, the world and for others.

I am so grateful to be homeschooling. I cannot imagine having to try and stuff my children into the box we call public education. It has gone so far off track. The learning that was so important to the early childhood educator (like sharing, eye hand coordination, singing, dancing, and so many other important developmental games that lead to a complete whole functioning body/brain connection) has gone to the way side for important 'standards' brain based outcomes. The other day my son said 'mom, you know what is wrong with the world? People don't help one another enough.'  I felt like I might not be such a bad teacher after all.


If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Albert Einstein

Trying too hard

Yesterday at my son's eye therapy appointment I had a discussion with the therapist about my son not wanting to wear his glasses. She explained to me that the glasses are meant to help him relax some of his eye muscles. When he is reading he is relying on a set of strong muscles he already has developed to do all of the reading work. The glasses give those overworked muscles a break. The trick is it takes time to get the eyes to stop working so hard and relax so the glasses can do the work. Wow.

I walked away on the verge of tears, as usual being highly emotional, and realized that could have been a description of my parenting. I feel so bound up and tight in my approach to teaching these amazing kids. I feel like I am working hard, maybe too hard. Everyday I am trying to find a way to 'teach' them. What have we accomplished today? What are we learning with this activity? How can I document this or blog about it in a way that will help me feel successful. My mental, emotional, and spiritual muscles are working so hard to be 'successful' that I can't seem to relax enough to let the other parts of me (creative, easy going, light hearted, humorist) take over and just enjoy the journey.

Recently I discovered the joy of yoga. I am pursuing it with passion. I love it. I think the parallel of trying to relax my muscles and trying to relax my mind are exactly what I need. It helps me consider the possibility of letting go, of balance, of play, of relaxing into the moment and then letting it go.
This journey I am on as a homeschool mom has opened so many places inside of me. I realize I have some trauma from my own schooling and childhood that I am processing. It is challenging to separate my past with our present. Yoga is helping me open my heart and begin to see the journey in front of me not the path behind me. I am starting to trust myself. I am beginning to heal the wounds and let myself believe in all the good that can come.

Until then I will be sharing our stories of struggle and uncertainty. Although I feel hopeful I don't feel anywhere near successful. I am so grateful for the wonderful homeschool and gifted communities for the support and stories of families on similar journeys. I know I am not alone and I know in time we will find our rhythm. If you are out there feeling the struggle and slight hopelessness I hope you will find some comfort knowing you are not alone. I do believe this is only going to get better!!

Blessings,
Shauna

An 'ah ha' Moment

We have been engaged in this homeschooling adventure for about a year now. Having a MS in Education makes the homeschooling journey an exciting opportunity to explore my educational philosophy. I spend a lot of time thinking about what kind of education I want for our children and why. We decided to commit to three years of homeschooling as our introductory phase. It seemed to me it would be hard to get a real feeling for what homeschooling can be in one year. That has proved to be the case. At the two year mark I feel we are just getting started.

I spent the first year following a pretty strict and concise curriculum for my 1st grade boy. It involved a lot of me doing what teachers do, giving him things to learn. He was a good student and we made it through the year, but we were both relieved to make it to summer. Starting 2nd grade I had a lot of anxiety planning the curriculum. I knew another year of the same curriculum was going to bring us to tears. I made a few changes but stuck with a pretty traditional classic curriculum. We went slower but during the first month we were already having multiple outbursts and lots of tears. I had always felt there was some part of my son I didn't quite understand and this past month made it clear I needed help if we were to continue homeschooling.

After much discussion we decided to have our son tested. He was doing great in many areas but there were some issues with emotional outbursts, sensitivities, and writing that just didn't make sense. After a lot of research I started to suspect he might be both gifted and a stealth dyslexic. The testing was to confirm those suspicions and it did. We learned we have a highly gifted boy with both CAPD *central auditory processing disorder* and several markers of dyslexia.  This was a big Ahhh Haaaa moment for me. There were so many questions answered with these testing results.

From the outside Leo had 20/20 vision and his hearing tests reveal he has perfect hearing. It is the underlying developmental tests that uncovered the processing issues he was having in both of those areas. In the world of the gifted he is labeled 2e *twice exceptional*. As a child in the public school system it is quite likely he would never have been identified with any of these very substantial learning differences. As his mother I knew we were missing something and I trusted my gut. I only wonder how many other kids out there are going left misunderstood and lacking the educational experience and support they deserve.

So here we are mid year second grade and I realize that the curriculum I have been providing is just a bit off the mark. It makes sense that he would not be engaged or interested in the level of work I am providing for him and also why some of the tasks that seem like they should be so easy are really actually very challenging for him. It also answered the questions about why he hates to join new groups (hearing in groups is very challenging) and also why he hates phonics and writing anything.
The testing process has totally reshaped my preconceived approach for educating my children. With a new lens I am reshaping my educational philosophy to fit my children. I only wish we could do the same for every child in the education system.